(Disclaimer: This isn’t based on any medical diagnosis of introversion (if such a thing exists). Rather, this is based on a self-labeled introvert and his observations of other self-labeled introverts.)
A lot has been written about introverts. Most of it is wrong. Well-meaning, but wrong. Some of it is over-simplification. Some of it is missing a lot of important nuances. A lot of it is just wrong.
So I decided to write my own blog post about introverts, based on observations of myself and of other introverts.
Neither a Dichotomy Nor a Spectrum
There’s an old notion that everyone is either an extrovert or an introvert, and that extroverts have these characteristics and behave this way, and introverts have those characteristics and behave that way.
Thankfully, almost no one believes that, but most people fall into the next pitfall, the idea that people range from extremly extroverted to mildly extroverted to neutral to mildly introverted to extremely introverted, depending on how severely they’re affected by extroversion or introversion.
The truth is far more complicated than that. Some people find the idea of throwing a party and inviting a hundred of their friends to be absurd, but still like to be in large groups. Some people like to be in small groups, but are uncomfortable with both large groups and with being alone. (And of course, the number of people in a “small group” varies from person to person.) Some introverts can’t stand being alone but always want to be with their best friend or significant other.
So now you’re thinking extroversion-introversion is a spectrum that varies over a person’s ideal group size, right? Wrong! A person’s ideal group size doesn’t always correspond with their comfort levels. Some extroverts prefer large groups but can survive in a small group. Some introverts prefer being alone and are merely annoyed when someone disturbs them. On the flip side, some introverts will shutdown and retreat into their own bubble when there are too many people present. And likewise, some extroverts feel compelled to surround themselves with as many friends as possible so they don’t feel alone. And some people are just completely unaffected by either large group, small group, massive party, or being alone.
So extroversion-introversion is a two dimensional spectrum? Wrong again! The truth is far more complicated than that. Some introverts feel like they absolutely need to be alone. Some introverts can be in a crowded office, mall, or coffee shop and be fine as long as no one tries to talk to them. Some introverts get upset by the idea of other people. Some introverts don’t mind doing things with other people, as long as the focus is on the activity and not on the other people. Some introverts like attention without interaction, while other introverts avoid both. Some people flip between extroversion and introversion.
There are so many variables and complications that we can’t reduce extroversion-introversion to a dichotomy, spectrum, or even a family of spectra. No, the best we can say is that extroversion-introversion are a family of personality traits and behaviors related to a person’s interactions with others (“interaction”, for lack of a better word).
Not About Energy
I use words like “comfort” and “annoyance” and it sounds like it’s just a personality or preference issue, but it runs deeper than that. Extroversion and introversion can affect people deeply, not just at the mental level, but for some, at the physical level as well.
There’s a meme (“meme”, for lack of a better word) going around saying that extroverts gain energy from social interaction and lose energy from being alone, and that introverts gain energy from being alone and lose energy from social interaction. Ignoring the fact that this brings us back to the dichotomy, the other problem is that “energy” is incredibly vague, and even worse, it doesn’t even apply to all people (or even most people).
For some people, “energy” is their ability to deal with something mentally taxing. For some people, “energy” is physical energy, in that they get physically tired from too much social interaction. Yet, for others, it’s not about energy, but about mood, in the same way delicious food makes you happy and mediocre food makes you unhappy. And for some people, extroversion-introversion is as simple as personal preference.
The energy metaphor is well-meaning, but ultimately wrong. Sometimes, when an introvert wants to be left alone, they’re not recharging. They just actually want to be left alone.
Not Social Anxiety
Sometimes, people conflate introversion and social anxiety. It’s not hard to see why. Introversion and social anxiety play off each other in the worst way possible. But I also know introverts without social anxiety and people with social anxiety who aren’t introverts. And they will tell you how the two are different.
The super-simplified (and therefore inaccurate) version is that people with social anxiety are worried about how others will judge them. Introverts just don’t want to deal with other people in general. (While I’d love to go into the nuances of social anxiety, it’s outside the scope of this blog. And I have friends with social anxiety, so I know (second-hand) how bad it can be. If you also suffer from social anxiety, I hope you can get help to get through it.)
On a similar (though much less extreme) note, people also conflate introversion with shyness. The two are only superficially similar. Shy people want to socialize with others, but hold back because of awkwardness, discomfort, or sometimes fear. Introverts just don’t want to socialize with others at all.
Sometimes, It Is About Being Alone
Some people (generally the same people who use the “energy” metaphor) say that introverts don’t enjoy being alone, just that they need to be alone to recharge. I suspect this is a PR move by extroverted friends of introverts in a misguided attempt to make them seem “normal” to other extroverts.
The truth is, a lot of introverts really do just want to be left alone. The idea that introverts want to be social but need to be alone to recharge only damages the perception of introverts and only makes introversion seem like a disease to be cured. If you really want to help your introverted friends, the best thing you can do is accept that they, sometimes of frequently, just want to be left alone.
On a similar note, the extrovert’s idea of “being alone” is isolation. The introvert’s idea of being alone is “Me Time”. While “Me Time” sometimes means “me, by myself, with no other people”, other times it means “doing something for myself” and sometimes, that involves other people.
Not a Problem
One thing a lot of people get right is that introversion isn’t a problem to be fixed, and it isn’t a disease to be cured. Introverts are just normal people who occasionally, sometimes, or always want to be left alone, and that’s just fine.
What is a problem is that society still strongly favors the extroverts. A lot of companies and organizations favor the people who play politics and the people who make connections, and these fall in the extroverts’ domain. This is why introverts are so poorly understood, and why a lot of people try to push their introverted friends to “be more social”.
No, there isn’t a problem with introverts. The problem is with the rest of society. But now that people are talking about introverts, regardless of how accurately, I think we’re making progress. I hope someday to live in a world where people can be left alone without being left behind.